Step 9 The 9th Step Promises and Making Amends

Your efforts to make amends may not always go as well as you hope. Try not to respond with anger or defensiveness if others aren’t responsive to your efforts. They have been hurt by your actions, and they may not be willing to forgive and forget. They may have been hurt in ways that you were not able to identify when preparing to make amends. Avoid initiating a conversation if the other person is distracted or upset by something unrelated. If possible, schedule a time to speak with them in advance to prepare for the conversation.

Steppers

It’s really hard to apologize to those you’ve hurt — it takes living amends definition courage and humility and requires a deep, intense look at yourself. It follows, then, that Step Nine is a challenging step. Thankfully, there are tips you can take to help make your living amends permanent and lasting. I don’t call him to see how his meeting went this week or what step he’s on. Nor do I play the peacemaker between him and our Mother.

How to Practice Self-Care While Grieving: Step-By-Step

In order to do this, you’ll need to forgive yourself and those you are offering amends to. Sometimes we cannot or https://ecosoberhouse.com/ should not contact the individual we have harmed. Or perhaps we have done irreparable damage and need to supplement our direct amends.

A Choice for Meaningful Treatment with Dignity

Self-seeking will slipA momentary loss of focus on the road to recovery which is quickly rectified. It differs from relapse, which suggests a complete return to pre-recovery patterns of behavior. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change, fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle what is alcoholism us.

• Apologizing to loved ones can be a challenging and emotional process.
• With that in mind, I asked Adam if he or his father ever felt a Spock-like duality as they began their journeys into recovery.
• These changes in behavior help toward the goal of reestablishing relationships or making them stronger.
• Because the fact of the matter is, the theme of that documentary is, this city shaped his life.
• And I that every night he was in his little private bar at home fixing a drink, but that the fact of the matter is he never missed a call time and never missed an interview.

• And offered him a scholarship to come to Boston College for the summer.
• He’s a teenager, so I try to let him function at that age level.
• And some people in your life may not be receptive on your timeline.
• How do you prove your worth to others after so many failed chances?
• But I do have a very specific memory of having taken the California State Bar and then I went to the south of Spain with some of my law school buddies.

These promises are often the most difficult to keep because addiction plays a decisive role in a person’s ability to live up to their promises. Their parent may feel more pain for their addicted child’s inability to get sober than the material items lost due to the thefts. In rare cases, making amends in recovery may inadvertently lead to further harm or negative consequences for the individual or the person receiving the amends.

• In fact, every day I make a living amends to my husband, son, Mom, and brother Ricky.
• When he runs out of medicine because he didn’t call the doctor for a refill, I trust he has the intelligence to solve his own problem.
• Step 9 of AA’s 12-step program directs people in recovery to take accountability for actions that may have harmed others and to make amends when possible.
• If he specifically asks for my opinion, which he doesn’t, I will give it.

In simple terms, it means taking responsibility for the person you used to be and how you caused harm to the people in your life who care about you. Additionally, making amends reinforces an individual’s commitment to sobriety and personal growth. If you’re familiar with substance use recovery and 12-step programs, the idea of “living amends” might ring a bell. When you cannot directly make up for something to the person you hurt, a living amends is a decision to change your ongoing behavior in a way that is informed by the wrongdoing. Your ‘living amends’ is living in a way that that acknowledges the previous mistake by consistently living in a way that doesn’t repeat it or compensates for it. Many people think of making amends as simply apologizing for whatever wrongs they did in their using, however an apology is not an amend.

They didn’t understand anything about Star Trek, but I never heard them say that they loved him or were proud of him outright. So I think he had, it was a struggle for him, in terms of his own modeling with his parents, for him to figure out, really, what parenting was about in terms of his relationship with me. When he told his father that he wanted to join, he wanted to go to Starfleet Academy, his dad was appalled because he wanted him to go to the Vulcan Science Academy. So right away there was a parallel in their lives.

A qualified behavioral therapist can help you identify the areas of your life that need attention. Indirect amends are a valid way to complete Step 9. You may also have the opportunity in the future to make more direct amends with certain people in time. However, this future possibility should not keep you from working your steps. Other individuals who have completed Step 9, such as your sponsor, may be able to help you choose a meaningful way to make indirect amends. Ninety percent of the time, I keep my mouth shut, but I am my son’s mother.

The next step is to talk to someone about those feelings. In Alcoholics Anonymous, making amends must be completed to finish the steps. Another way to start your walk with God by doing a simple and straightforward Bible study that we wrote – How to Have a Quiet Time with God. This 8-week Bible study will help you build your quiet time with the Lord if you do not already have one established.

Apologies vs. Amends

It’s much easier to just apologize and move on, but committing to living your life differently looks different. It requires ongoing and conscious effort to change. Making these types of life improvements typically requires that you work with a counselor or therapist who can provide an outsider’s perspective and objective view of your life. Making these types of life changes is difficult and requires lots of hard, emotionally-complex work, but it’s worth all the effort in the end. All types of amends are good, but living amends are some of the best kinds you can make!